How do you value yourself?

How different my worlds are now – a good thing for gaining perspective. Santa Fe, my primary home, filled with space and light, and Europe, where I am at the moment, coated in blankets of fog and permeated by the rich smell of water and fallen leaves. It teaches me not to take everything quite so seriously. It reminds me that nothing is permanent, to keep welcoming and making changes, and to allow life to flow through me.

What is foremost on my mind these days is the question of value. How do we value ourselves? How does that value translate to others? What are we willing to do in order to feel valued? How much is my input, versus the rewards I get back?

I guess for me, being almost 50, these are legitimate questions. The times where I had unlimited energy and would just charge ahead, are truly over. At this point, investments versus outcome have to be balanced. For example, it’s clear to me that my primary reward – and that continues to be way more important to me than the monetary return, has to do with actually making a difference in people’s lives. I have worked very hard for a very long time to have the insights I do – and it’s important for me to share them. It’s important that they be received. For this reception, a certain framework has to be laid.

I am keenly aware, these days, between the different types of attention in a public class where people come mostly expecting a good workout, and say, a workshop, where students are more inclined to be open and go on a journey.

Under the right circumstances, I can take people on such a journey of transformation and it is increasingly important to me to set those parameters in a way that allows this to happen.

I have earned my livelihood from public classes for 20 years and in some ways it is truly scary to contemplate to let that format of my teaching go. Yet it is clear that this particular format no longer serves my primary objective – which is to help students remember who they really are and what matters most in their lives.

Online Classes in Germany

While in Berlin, I recorded a few online classes that are available from a super cool website, www.yogaraumonline.de

You can check out the website for a free trial and I think that it will be worth your while, especially if you don't have access to high quality teachings. There are many classes by awesome teachers to choose from!

It's a German site, but there is enough English to navigate around and I am mostly teaching in English, even in Germany. Funny how that happens.

Check it out here.

News from the Wild West

Dear Community,

It’s been a wild and nonstop ride since my tour through Europe and my recent move to Santa Fe, New Mexico. But here we are, Joshua and I, slowly getting settled in.

A friend of mine mentioned a parable when both Joshua and I were a bit overwhelmed: “Do you know how the monkey eats the elephant? One bite at a time.” As usual, I got my metaphors mixed up and said to my husband: “Let’s just deal with one elephant at a time.” And that pretty much sums it up.

Life is harsher out here compared to the Bay Area, but also more beautiful and real, and that matters to me at this point in my life. I can’t keep talking about sustainability without actually walking my talk. So here it goes!

There was a rattlesnake on the porch the other day, there are water issues because of the dryness, and I have to keep an eye on the dog at all time so she (or I for that matter) doesn’t end up as a snack to a large predator. I talk to all the beings on the land when I walk by, but also carry a large handmade knife Joshua gave me for my birthday! For me, it is a deep inquiry away from the hustle and bustle, to find out what really matters to me, what fulfills me and what happiness actually looks like, to me.

I love Santa Fe and when I am in town, I get the sense of deep roots and a long history of peoples living in harmony with the land. I am loving the seasons again, the fact that there is a hot summer followed by fall and winter, bringing such rich diversity and perspective to life. I love practicing in the heat, as it feels as though I can go deeper into my practice. The insights come as I move my body according to the breath and nature.

Yesterday I realized that I am removed from all the teachers I have ever had: my time with Anusara and John Friend has come to an end, and I am also very far away now from my primary teacher, Jack Kornfield. And I realized that I no longer require my teachers to be close by at this time. I have been showered with teachings and blessings for the last 3 decades, I have all the tools I need and now is the time to just let it all sink in as I do my practices in solitude. For the time being, I am no longer a seeker but instead have been found!

Tahira, a gifted visionary from Germany, predicted that I will pick up some purely feminine wisdom during my time here. And I realized, with surprise, that I haven’t had a female teacher for a very long time. It’s time.

I will start teaching two classes at Spandarama Yoga in Santa Fe in the beginning of August. I received an incredibly warm and generous welcoming by the community here and I am just so grateful for that. One of those classes will be recorded and offered on my website, so that anyone who so desires can listen in. There will be a donation system set up – similarly to the Dharma offerings at Spirit Rock for folks who wish to contribute. It’s all a big adventure, but as my wise husband said: “It was time to shake it up!”

My teacher training, starting in the fall in San Francisco, is already full. But there is a waiting list as people may still be drop out before it starts. You can contact aud@yogakula.com if you are interested in participating.

In October and November, I will be once again in Europe for workshops and classes – mostly in Zurich and Amsterdam. I will keep you posted as we get closer.

May you all be blessed with the time to inquire what really matters for you in this lifetime.

Wishing you a beautiful summer,

Katchie Ananda

Having attitude

My husband is a tall, 200 pound guy, covered in tattoos and he looks like a cross between an American Indian and a Viking.

The other day he drove, late at night, with his bicycle through a rough neighborhood in San Francisco and had to stop for a red light. He noticed a couple and an older lady talking animatedly, occasionally glancing over at him. He thought they probably were afraid of him, which is something that happens regularly, especially when he is on the road with our all black but incredibly sweet pitbull mix.

All of a sudden the older lady spoke up. “Excuse me, sir?” Obviously she was talking to my husband so he turned his head. “Yes?” he said. The lady went on “I’m going to a place a couple of blocks ahead and was wondering if you would accompany me, so I can get there safely, - please”? Joshua was in a hurry that day, as it was late and he tried to get to the BART station on time so he wouldn’t have to wait for another train 30 Minutes later. So he said” Look, lady, normally I would, but I’m in a rush today. But here is what you do, you hold up your head, and you march with an attitude, as if you know exactly where you are going, as if you had to go to the bathroom in a hurry, okay? You don’t look right or left, just march!”

The woman put a determined expression on her face, lifted her chin up and looked at my husband and said: “like this, is this good?” To which Joshua replied, “yes, exactly – you can do it, don’t let anyone give you any grief!”

Living in the wild

As a child, I wanted to be an American Indian child, because of Karl May and his novels on Winnetou, a series of books written about the Wild West that were insanely popular when I grew up. Those books, although written by an author who had never left Germany and literally created all the stories out of imagination, created a deeply compassionate and interesting portrait about American Indian Values. Peoples in the German speaking world actually knew about the genocide that happened in America, long before the United States admitted to it.

Now we are moving to the Wild West. Literally. Both Joshua and I are drawn to this life-style that involves living in wild, spacious territory, with horses and dogs. I can’t help but thinking that I trained for this life very early on. I spent most of my childhood, after recovering finally from my illness that plagued me the first 7 years of my life, outside, in trees, stalking, observing, hunting, playing. I was obsessed with knifes, wanted a tomahawk for my 9th birthday and drove my mother crazy with elaborate but rickety chair/table constructions that I used as a pretend horse.

I can’t help but thinking that this was all in preparation for the life I’m yet to lead. For the first time I’m having dreams that are outside of yoga – or perhaps they are the culmination of my practices so far. I’m dreaming about a life that is simpler, more sane, more in rhythm with nature. That involves horses and dogs. But mostly a life that is based on sanity.

Bad habits

I believe that most of our bad habits begin in the mind. This is how we limit ourselves and stop ourselves from reaching our full potential. Like the bear that was left out of it’s cage after 20 years, but it couldn’t even appreciate its freedom but could only do the exact 20 paces it had done inside the cage for so long. This is how our mind limits itself.

Just to imagine that we had a mind so free, that it actually became our friend and ally in order to reach our potential. The training we do in yoga is really ultimately not for the body, but its for the mind. To free the mind from the limitation it has created.

What exactly is a bad habit? I don’t think, drinking, smoking consuming sugar or coffee are necessarily a bad habit. Some of us do quite well on a cup of coffee, a yummy desert can be very good for your soul, a smoke can be sacred experience as the American Indians have practiced for centuries. A glass of red wine can even lower your blood pressure and is good for your heart.

So what exactly is a bad habit anyway? It’s something that we do but feel insanely guilty about. It throws the mind into a loop of shame, guilt and then the compulsion of doing it all over again. That is when a bad habit becomes bad and limiting for your entire organism. It’s when we think we can no longer be happy without the substance of choice, that it becomes a problem and it is time to intervene. We should be exited when we find such a loop in the mind! Because it’s a great opportunity to practice and find the vast unlimited potential of our mind. Everytime we manage to adjust a bad habit and replace it with something that we feel good about, (or adjust our attitude about it) it shows us a way of being free.

Dreams of mayhem

Weird dreams last night. I was trying to catch a flight and was completely unprepared. The usual mayhem. My unconscious acting up about all the changes that are coming my way. It’s unsecure. It’s ever changing. There is no lasting security. Welcome to life.

My meditation was deep this morning. I pulled one of my cards and it said to embrace all change and to trust that everything is unfolding in just the right way. Just what I needed to hear. Hasn’t it always been that way?

Calling each other and yourself on your stuff

How refreshing is it, to have someone tell you the simple truth. Not sugar coated, not enhanced but simply pointing things out the way they are. We have such confusion about that – especially those of us who follow Patanjali’s guide lines, or similar rules that say: Don’t cause any harm. But what if the harm caused is tiny in comparison with the big harm caused in the bigger picture? I know, it’s not an easy one, but like I said. It’s just nice to see things as they are.

For example a couple of days ago I saw very clearly that I have a petty side. Was that kind of harmful to admit to myself? Sure, it hurt some to accept it. Because it kind of hurt, I wanted to quickly stuff it back to where I can’t see it but instead I said it out loud to a couple of trusted friends. Both of them immediately said, yes, that’s true.

Hmmmm - literally that is what I thought. They didn’t try to talk me out of it, or try to distract me from the fact that it was true. Then I went a step further with the first trusted friend who happened to be my husband and I said. “Yes, I’m petty”. I thought to try it on and see how it felt. But my husband immediately corrected me and he said. “No, you are not petty, you just have a petty side sometimes”. And I realized that this is true, because I also have a generous side, and an inclusive side. The truth is that I’m all of these and none of these. And now what? I have noticed that every time that petty voice arises in me, the one that literally sees the world in black and white and tit for tat and measures everything I can actually see it for what it is and then choose whether I want to listen to it or not. Sometimes I do for a while because it feels kind of good to go tit for tat and then all of a sudden I get tired of it. That’s it. It’s a simple way to be free.

Everything to me is about freedom these days. I just want to be free, no matter the circumstances. I know the dharma works, but we have to actually practice in order to remember. And instead of having a petty side, we actually become petty. There is a big difference there. I’m thinking of naming my petty side. How about Mathilda?

So What?

My Mantra today is: So what. I told this to my students this morning. For example, when you can not do a pose even when you’ve tried your best – so what? Or you can do the pose perfectly and again – so what? My brothers didn’t call me after my surgery -  So what?

We are moving and leaving everything that we know behind: So what?

It’s so extremely helpful.

Pain, Fear and Flying

I dreamt that I had been taught and had discovered the art of flying. I was wonderfully light and I flew wherever I wanted. It felt right and natural. I was completely free and I felt incredible.

I understood that this was the fruit of my spiritual practice, and I tasted what the Dharma will finally lead us to: Complete inner freedom. I knew that I had earned this through my many years of dedicated practice. It was finally working.

There was a person down below on earth, and I wanted something from this person. I wanted it really badly. I flew down, and showed her how much fun it was to be free. But she was preoccupied and not interested. I remember trying a few times. Then it became clear that I had to decide: I could either go down, give up my freedom and engage in a purposeless pursuit go get something that I couldn’t get anyway, or stay where I was and enjoy my freedom – the choice was mine.

And I chose. I saw clearly that I was no longer willing to give up what I have learned so easily, I no longer wanted to visit the same patterns over and over again.

The choice was clear and I woke up, in complete happiness.

For the first few days after surgery, I had a lot of pain in my foot. But because it was to be expected, I experienced no fear to go along with the pain. Fear and pain together are harsh fellows to bear and as a child when I had pain, it was often associated with something quite bad, so fear became a part of pain. But this time I had no fear because I knew that there would be pain after the surgery. Even in the first night, when the first pain wave hit after the anesthesia and blockers started to wear off, I didn’t want to take an other painkiller right away but opted to simply be with the pain and observe it. I did this for a few hours and it was a most interesting and informative few hours I spent.

What I learned with this mediation that pain is just pain. I can be with it without freaking out, creating stories in my head around it